Have you ever noticed how anytime you make an effort to help someone, you get right royally fucked? I am referring to the �incident�:http://www.cnn.com/2007/WORLD/asiapcf/06/17/australia.shooting.ap/ yesterday in Melbourne. It�s no fucking wonder the world�s such a fucking mess. I hope they catch the prick and string him up by his balls. It got me thinking about what I would do in such a situation. I�d like to think that I would have acted like those two brave men and tried to help that woman, but the sad truth is I probably wouldn�t have.

I’m sure you get the picture. But, for those who don’t, its an analogy on life. Quite deep for a phrase which is best known for its placing at the beginning of the intro to Days of Our Lives

That’s what I was dodging two weekends ago, and if I wasn’t successful in the dodging they were plowing into my fleshy body at a fairly high rate of velocity.

Not fucking likely. It’s not that I can’t fix it….I won’t fix it. Fix it your damn self. I’m at the stage now where I just can’t be arsed doing anything. I have 4 assignments due in the next four weeks and I’ve done precisely bugger all on them. This is what you get when you Google “bugger all” – hilarious. I love the way these people think. They make Scott look very shady by comparison.

That’s one hell of a title, I’m sure you’ll agree. To be fair, it is a little generous, but since I wrote it…if you don’t like it, you know what you can do with it. Here are some suggestions if you’re struggling:

Well, actually it’s just called winter but its no fun if you don’t raise peoples hope’s and make it into something dramatic only to strike them down in their weakened state thusly enforcing a future mindset of cynicism and negativity which eventually leads to alcoholism and perhaps even a bit of prescription drug dependence.

Like a sultry woman of the night, this movie slides up to you, her words sweet like honey. With you distracted, her hands move to caress your testicles only to have her grab a handful, like she’s getting some chips from an open bowl, twist and pull down not unlike the feeling an apple tree probably has when succumbed to having its fruit is removed.

This isn’t going to be too long, its only a short one for a reason. It’s to gloat, an ability I do quite well. Almost without effort.

No, they aren’t the latest toy from Mattel. Although if they did exist, they should be one of the toys which should be on this list. Have a read, there’s some great christmas ideas on there.

Apparently this is good news. So Keith Martin tells me anyway – why would Keith lie? By “boing” I mean going at it hammer and tongs. Apparently, kangaroos stop doing the ol’ horizontal hokey pokey in times of drought so their kiddies won’t starve. When rain is expected, they start going like the clappers again. So, if you see kangaroos going the humpty-dump on your lawn, don’t shoo them away, invite them in for a cup of tea and thank them for their warning. Some how the animals are always the first to know.