Those of you reading this bollocks with any sort of regularity will no doubt be aware that people piss me off. Not just a little – a lot. So, in order to clear things up, I have decided to spell out how I decide if someone needs a punch in the back of the head. [...]

I have often thought that if, instead of the tone they play before making announcements over a loud speaker the announcer should just pipe up, “Penis vagina, penis vagina. The 5:40pm flight to Melbourne on Virgin Blue…blah blah, Thank you.”. I think it would get people’s attention considerably before laying down the reason why you’ve arrested their minds with your opener.