Fatlo.af

Disclaimer: Before I begin this week’s rant, I’d like to stress that there will be no names mentioned (I may be a prick, but I’m not an arsehole, if that makes sense), and I’d like to request that anyone who has something to comment upon in this article observe the same courtesy. If you must comment or share a story, remember that the person you are sharing the story about was kind enough (or drunk enough) to engage in consensual/semi-consensual physical activity with you, and therefore, they at least deserve anonymity rather than ignominy. Therefore, any comments of an inflammatory nature will be removed.

There are moments in your life where, for a few seconds, the world is in sharp focus, taking on a crystalline quality. You can hear your heart beating, see every speck of dust floating in the beam of sunlight angling through your window, and you feel as though nothing could possibly be wrong with the world. I’m sure we’ve all had them.
At these points in your life, especially when you are enjoying them in the company of another person, naked, you want nothing to damage that moment. However, you can’t always get what you want, as the Stones once rocked and/or rolled.

The possibly life-defining, but almost always relationship-defining and agonising moment wrecker. It can turn a few seconds of pure bliss, a moment you wish could be captured by an artist for posterity, into an horrific fresco of agony or embarrassment that lives in the memory for all the wrong reasons.
Worse, it can even result in a visit to the emergency ward, severed penis in one hand, clothes in the other, and a very-recent ex crying “but I thought you liked that?”

The biggest of these moment-wreckers, for me, would have to be the unannounced act of violence, generally with some portion of the facial area, aimed at a sensitive area of the anatomy.
Now, I’m aware of the pleasure/pain principles, that some people enjoy a bit of pain, and that it adds to their enjoyment of the occasion. However, just assuming that your partner is going to be into it is the fast road to disaster.
I usually opt, in normal life and the bedroom, for the fairly safe “do unto others” rule of thumb. Now, I’m fairly certain I’d be correct in assuming that most women don’t like having their nipples bitten off. Why, then, do some women feel it is their prerogative to inflict this agony on their male partner?
You may get caught up in the heat of the moment. Maybe there was some forceful grabbing, or a little bit of spanking. However, a clue to the success of your ministrations should never, ever be “OH FUCKING CHRIST! GET OFF ME YOU PSYCHOTIC WOMAN!”
Generally, if you get that reaction, you’ve gotten carried away.

Definitely less painful, but no less mood-killing, is the undiscussed insertion of fingers in unusual places. There’s nothing more disconcerting than being in the middle of a passionate embrace and, suddenly, feeling a wet finger in the ear, or any other orifice.

Now, before you think I’m just some wimp with a low pain or comfort threshold, let me clarify. I’m more than happy to suffer discomfort for a higher purpose. I’ll make a hasty escape because your parents have come home unannounced, pants in hand, in broad daylight. I’ll put up with nearly breaking my nose because you’ve made an involuntary movement which ends up briefly crushing my more vital breathing apparatus. I’ll even spank your sister while you watch on in a frenzy of kinky excitement, though it would pain me to do so. But performing an impromptu prostate exam, or ripping my nipples, ears, or other sensitive equipment off is just too far.

Before you can even get to this stage of nipple-biting and orifice-exploration, there is the all-important kiss. I think kissing is very underrated these days, and, in the right hands (or mouth), can be one of the most enjoyable things 2 people can do together.
We won’t be discussing these triumphs of oral endeavour, however. We’re here to set the misguided straight as best we can.
I think there’s a lot of subtlety involved in kissing, but, broadly, if you’ve ingested the tip of my nose, your mouth is open too wide.
A kiss should not look like an out-take from Kath n Kim, you’re not trying to eat one another (not just yet, anyway) or fit 2 parts of a vacuum-sealed container together. Similarly, if I’ve gone blue and begun gagging, you’re trying to stick your tongue too far down my throat. I don’t want to know what your tonsils taste like, and I’m happy with the idea that nobody should know how sexy my epiglottis whilst being caressed gently by their tongue.
I’m willing to give points for trying, and, again, occasionally people get carried away, but if the first kiss is akin to a large dog doing it’s darndest to eat my head, the chances of me sticking around to ‘come in for a coffee’ are slim, to say the least.

So remember, boys and girls of legal age; Do unto others as you would have them do unto you, and don’t eat my face. Keep these things in mind and I’m sure future partners will rejoice, and sleep well knowing that they’ve just enjoyed the most passionate, time-stopping, and above all, painless moment of their romantic life with their chosen one.

Tags: biting off assorted body parts, don't put your finger there, kissing, sex