It's not that hard being a fashion cricket.
I had intended for this to be a well-thought out commentary on current fashions, but we all know it will descend into childish name-calling and angry ranting.
I have been thinking a lot lately about âfashionâ. I say âfashionâ because what is one manâs fashion is another manâs pile of vomit with leather armbands (that one was for Bill). Who the hell decided that it was ok to wear certain combinations of clothes or adjust your body in idiotic ways? It wasnât me. Now I know many of you are thinking that âGrum is just a bogan, what would he know about fashion?â However, I am not a bogan in the truest sense of the word. So, for your consideration, I present my thoughts on âfashionâ.
Putting shrapnel in your face, particularly making those whacking great holes in you ears. Why would you bother? It is something I canât figure out. The fact that you actually pay for it sickens me. Come see me, I have a hammer and a rusty nail and I wonât charge you.
Wearing ugg boots outside of the house. Iâve been to the servo in my slippers, but that comes down to sheer laziness, not a conscious, fashion-driven decision. I donât understand why people wear them with jeans, skirts, shorts, etc. If youâre going to wear your uggies out, you may as well wear your dressing gown too. As a quick sidetrack, why the fuck do people go to movie marathons that start at 11pm in their uggies, pyjamas and dressing gowns with their pillow and doona? Are you intending to watch the movie or not? Just because some fuckwit did it, that doesnât mean that everyone else has to. Morons.
Drawing on eyebrows. The great thing about eyebrows is that (for most people) they occur naturally. If you must draw them on, why go for the surprised look? It really doesnât open up a lot of other emotional response options.
Thongs and jeans. Fucking surfie pricks. If you can be bothered putting on jeans so tight that you require a tub of grease and a crow bar to get into them, surely putting on footwear that require you to tie up shoe laces isnât that much of an ask.
Huge sunglasses that cover most of your face. You look like a git. Just as bad are the sunnies that are virtually clear or have a ârose tingeâ. I can see you squinting â doesnât that defeat the purpose of wearing sunglasses in the first fucking place? Donât even get me started on huge sunglasses with a ârose tingeâ. When my murderous rampage starts, anyone wearing those will be the first to go.
Scarves as a fashion accessory. No, no, NO! Scarves are for hanging out of your car window when your footy team wins. End of story.
People wearing skimpy clothing in winter and then complaining that theyâre cold. Iâm telling you, sweetheart, when Keith Martin says itâs going to be 10 degrees, perhaps you should rethink your mini-skirt/midriff top/ugg boot combination. This backs up my dressing gown theory, I think. Oh, and another thing, blokes are going to look at you. You know it. We know it. Deal with it.
Wearing a tie with a shirt that is not a business shirt. Have you got any idea who ridiculous you look?
Young blokes who wear cardigans that they would pull the piss out of old blokes who wear them. Double standards there, lads. I pull the piss out of your jeans/thongs combination, but I donât put them on.
Socks and sandals. Do I need to say anymore?
Love and sloppy kisses,Grum.
You are indeed a wise and noble man, Grum.
The only slight disagreement I have is regarding the “semi-clear” sunnies. I have a pair however, mine are to reduce glare, not light (and have some potential wank-factor I quite like). As such, if a particularly sunny day requires actual sunnies, I have an appropriate set of dark lenses.
You are correct though; if you have to squint, you’ve got the wrong fucking pair on!
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