Fatlo.af

Now, before I get started on this week’s rant, (which had the working title “I’m not a chauvinist, but…”), I’d like to get something out of the way.
I’m a big fan of women, my best friend is one, and to the best of my knowledge, all of the people I’ve dated (except Nick) have been women. I’d give anything and do anything for a woman I truly care about, and those in that position know that.

However, (and here beginneth the rant) I cannot abide the holier-than-thou attitude some women (especially in the workplace, and especially in numbers) show towards men.
The most grating example for me is “did you have a boy’s look?”, a comment heard whenever a file or some other object cannot be found. It’s no coincidence that many more women have heard this comment directed at them than men, yet they console themselves with thinking it’s a male trait to be unobservant. If you’re so fucking good, find me Osama Bin Laden.

Next on the list is women’s propensity to gang up on men in a bid to appear to be the stronger, smarter, or generally more able sex. How this usually occurs is as follows; Man makes self-deprecating joke, for amusement of all around; Woman, in sad attempt to be amusing, completely ruins joke by turning self-deprecation into an insult directed at Man. Women laugh, because it’s empowering to attempt to belittle a man who is belittling himself, and continue on in the same unamusing vein. NEWSFLASH! It’s not funny, and it makes you look like a bitch.

Third on the list, “Send this to Men who can take it and women who need a laugh” emails. I have yet to find one which is even remotely funny, and I can laugh at male jokes. Most of them appear to be written by recently-divorced, 40-something receptionists whose main goal in life is cultivating a hatred of all men because it’s their fault she’s a nosey nobody who lost her looks before she realised her personality couldn’t nab her a new man.
You can almost feel the sneering, borderline-man-murdering-trucker-dyke hatred in these pathetic attempts at feminine humour. Men are dumb and you can divorce them for lots of money because you’re so much more intelligent. We get it, love. Now print those reports for your male manager, have a “boy look” for your dignity and self-respect, catch up on who was seen talking to whom in the office (and is therefore sleeping with them) and read that Pulitzer Prize-winning Woman’s Day to get your dose of highly-intellectual gossip about which celebrity you idolize has been caught with her knickers off this month.

Fourth, (and last, for this instalment) on the list is women making penis, staying power, or other sexual jokes about men. This is linked to the bandwagonning, “self-deprecation insult” section of earlier, but I believe it deserves expansion. So to speak.
My standard response to those jokes is “the male organ was never meant to be played in a cathedral, bee sting tits”. You want to talk about the penis, you’re leaving yourself wide open (ha) to slut jokes (which are, for some reason becoming the taboo subject of the post-Sex and the City, nouveau-virtuous female world).
It must be so damn hard to lay on your back with your legs in the air being judgemental while some poor sap tries to keep that image of your sister alive in his head as he plunges manfully into the heaving abyss, struggling for a handful of soft breast amongst the folds which were so expertly hidden in a gathered top just minutes ago.
And I can tell you, from shameful memory, that sometimes, less than 10 minutes is more than enough, given the little, but fast-growing seed of self-loathing that takes hold in the soil of a man’s regretful mind as the alcohol or hormonal lust begins to fade.