Fatlo.af

Like a sultry woman of the night, this movie slides up to you, her words sweet like honey. With you distracted, her hands move to caress your testicles only to have her grab a handful, like she’s getting some chips from an open bowl, twist and pull down not unlike the feeling an apple tree probably has when succumbed to having its fruit is removed.

Only in this case it was my fruit.

The movie had my attention and it wasn’t letting go until it was good and ready. I have expunged much manlove about this film, I have watched countless short clips and previews, read articles and interviews. I was prepared, my expectations were high and I had worn loose pants to ensure I wasn’t uncomfortable during my stay.

This movie is fucken brutal. It has it all, sandals, massive armies, battles, alarmingly erect female nipples, glistening muscular men. Wait, that last bit shouldn’t have been there, ah fuck it, it can stay. This is what this movie does to you, it makes you question the fact that you’re enjoying glistening, muscular men in small leather pants and that just about every one of the cast has trained to be a Spartan soldier and thusly looks better than I while wearing not much and a cape.

This movie is filmed, for the most part, in front of a green screen. Its CG, huge amounts of it. It, like Sin City, had very few sets built for it which is getting to be an easier thing to do than the rather odd looking Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow which was a first to start doing so. It looks glorious, the sepia tones, the dirt, blood, slow motion, ungodly amounts of blood and the nipples all added up to one fucken cool movie.

The movie was a sexual orgy of violence, gore and greek gods. A fuck-ton of dead bodies, awesome quotes and lots of men with headgear.

How’s this for a quote:
Armless Persian Emmisary: A thousand nations of the Persian Empire descend upon you, our arrows will blot out the sun
Stelios: Then we will fight in the shade

That’s essentially saying: fuck you and the army you rode in on, we’re the fucken business so you and your boy-loving comrades had better use your fucken arrows because if you get close enough for me to use my spear you’re fucked.

Fuck, I haven’t enjoyed a movie this much for a long time. I need a cigarette.

I will be seeing this again, and buying the DVD, potentially I will want to watch the movie by myself occasionally but I still think its ok as long as you do it in the comfort of your own home. Don’t judge me.

As I’ve previously said, while I won’t specifically hate you if you don’t like it, I can’t make that guarantee of others. That being said, I wouldn’t rule it out.