Eeyore vs. Average Joes
Date: 22 November 2005
Against: Average Joes
Team (goals): Kieran (4), Gavin, Nick, Darren (7), Paul (2), Scott, Tony (4)
Result: 17-2
There was a lot riding on this match against the Joes, Eeyoreâs goal difference⦠So not really much⦠Just sounded like a good sentence to open with.
The goals came thick and fast for the Donkeys this week, despite probably not playing to the best of their combined ability. Darren was hungry early, stopping for a chocolate bar on the way to 7 goals, which I believe MAY be a team record. Tony, coming off half a game last week, was looking fiery and fresh, bagging 4 and running like a madman.
There wasnât much to say about the Joes, apart from the fact that they were distinctly Average. Their 2 goals came from poor defence rather than good play on their part, which I put down to the fact that PJ was desperately trying to score for the last time as a single man. His âcentral defenderâ badge that he was wearing while Nick was off court was left in an untidy pile next to his memoirs as he set up a hasty camp on the opposition D, screaming for the ball at every opportunity, thereby drowning out my own attempts to be heard as I asked if anyone would care to let me back on court. By the end of the game, PJâs persistence had paid off, bagging him 2 goals from 730,000 attempts, whilst mine hadnât, condemning me to half a game as the battle-weary remaining donkeys strolled slowly out to a 15 goal win.
The time off court gave me time to reflect on the worrying statistic that Average Joes have only scored 10 goals, 5 of which came from a 5-0 forfeit, and 5 of which we conceded. Not terrific from the top team, especially not going into a week off.
Still, a win is a win, and with Rohan coming back into the team after the bye, and PJ leaving for his honeymoon (which, as arranged with Kylie after a $15,000 sweetener, will last 7 weeks), the team looks like it will be pretty strong after the bye.
With not much to say on this match, youâd be hoping the awards for this week are going to be good⦠Youâd be wrong, but read on anyway.
3 Votes go to PJ this week for his many and varied attempts on goal. I hope your aim isnât always that bad, or your honeymoon is going to get very expensive due to âroom cleaningâ fees.
2 Votes go to Gavin for letting 2 goals in. I donât care that you had no defensive cover. It was Average Joes!
1 Vote to Scott, cos he wasnât mentioned anywhere else in the report.
Kieran Clarke Award for doing stuff almost as good as me goes to Darren for his 7 goals. But donât think it means youâre good or anything, smartarse.
The dirty poof award goes to Julian Clary. Cos he is one.
The Aidan Herbert award for terrible socks this week goes to Scott. Again.
Conceited Bastard award goes to Ben. You know why. (cos you demanded it).
The Gavin Lynch award for having hair in all the wrong places and none where it should be goes to Gavin. That was probably the easiest award Iâve ever had to decide on.
Iâm going to finish on a song again this week, to get back into the tradition of finishing on a song. That was a little redundant.
Cows With GunsFat and docile, big and dumb
They look so stupid, they aren’t much fun
Cows aren’t fun
They eat to grow, grow to die
Die to be et at the hamburger fry
Cows well done
Nobody thunk it, nobody knew
No one imagined the great cow guru
Cows are one
He hid in the forest, read books with great zeal
He loved Che Guevera, a revolutionary veal
Cow Tse Tung
He spoke about justice, but nobody stirred
He felt like an outcast, alone in the herd
Cow doldrums
He mooed we must fight, escape or we’ll die
Cows gathered around, cause the steaks were so high
Bad cow pun
But then he was captured, stuffed into a crate
Loaded onto a truck, where he rode to his fate
Cows are bummed
He was a scrawny calf, who looked rather woozy
No one suspected he was packing an Uzi
Cows with guns
They came with a needle to stick in his thigh
He kicked for the groin, he pissed in their eye
Cow well hung
Knocked over a tractor and ran for the door
Six gallons of gas flowed out on the floor
Run cows run!
He picked up a bullhorn and jumped up on the hay
We are free roving bovines, we run free today
We will fight for bovine freedom
And hold our large heads high
We will run free with the Buffalo, or die
Cows with guns
They crashed the gate in a great stampede
Tipped over a milk truck, torched all the feed
Cows have fun
Sixty police cars were piled in a heap
Covered in cow pies, covered up deep
Much cow dung
Black smoke rising, darkening the day
Twelve burning McDonalds, have it your way
We will fight for bovine freedom
And hold our large heads high
We will run free with the Buffalo, or die
Cows with guns
The President said “enough is enough
These uppity cattle, its time to get tough”
Cow dung flung
The newspapers gloated, folks sighed with relief
Tomorrow at noon, they would all be ground beef
Cows on buns
The cows were surrounded, they waited and prayed
They mooed their last moos,
they chewed their last hay
Cows out gunned
The order was given to turn cows to whoppers
Enforced by the might of ten thousand coppers
But on the horizon surrounding the shoppers
Came the deafening roar of chickens in choppers
We will fight for bovine freedom
And hold our large heads high
We will run free with the Buffalo, or die
Cows with guns
